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the blurst of times

by squab squawk

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1.
get ready 05:05
this won't hurt one bit but it just might kill you towards the end of it is that a risk you are willing to take? well, i'm always up for anything that ends in heartbreak and if it rains just enough to soak yr shoes to yr feet with the red and green lights smeared all along across the streets we can watch discordant ripples on some distant shallow seas while living out some age-old fallacies we're probably not lucky so let's not count on anything to last
2.
it took you long enough, you’d say if i told you how i’m feeling now and yeah, we’ve both been waiting for this day since the moment when we realized it’s the best and worst we could ever feel and in homage to a friend of my god it may seem we are clouds yeah we’re drifting away, but still everybody knows i’ll make it back somehow (much to their dismay) but i just do not know what’s in store for better days no i’m not supposed to think about that now. i think i’ve committed to my body the so-called sins you did to me but that is not your fault no nothing ever was and it’s the realization that despite my lies that you ever lied to me you instilled in me so much of this. like the notion that i ever was alone.
3.
GFB 03:15
i will make it through the day just to head straight into another there’s no rest for the thick-headed i’ll leave the burden on my soldiers to carry it out across the desert all the way to the sea whose waters once invited me in the shimmering sun so deceptively out for some drinks so unforgiving i’ve tasted their poisons before should’ve been enough, but i will take some more every night i’ve got my watchmen stationed and bracing for the bombs you left behind to keep me away from you as if explosions could stop me from what i’m destined to do so one by one fortifications fall good thing i’ve learned to feel nothing at all there’s nothing left for me out here except the ghosts of every odd-numbered year so let’s suppose i don’t survive i’m a guaranteed fantastic burnout i’ll last just long enough to see you arrive, crestfallen ‘cause you knew this whole time what i was on about
4.
hold it in as long as you can and try not to die i know i'm making it harder for you to forgive me in the event of my demise it will come soon, i say no, don't say that but whether i win or lose i know i've done enough to make a mark on you and that's all i ever wanted to do and so i withdraw from you and smile and off i go, off to decide the most spectacular way to suicide no, don't say that god damn it you have drained me of all energy i give up, i resign, you're fucking on your own you know your body wasn't meant to run on coffee and love alone so good luck, and goodbye
5.
you're "fucked in the head"? you have no right to be. can't you see that you're hurting me? no, you can't, you're too busy trying to bring yourself down but i swear to god i'll kill you first if you don't stop fucking around i squint up through the particle sky towards my better home that's not where you are but are you still alone enough for me to be your everything? i don't know what i'm doing or where i'm going who the fuck dreams of being impaled by the san francisco skyline? this is why you cannot ever be mine but i won't let you die, no i won't ever let you go by (as tired as i am, of you.) you say you're fucked in the head but you've been lying to me you said you'd be okay but you can fake yourself so well you can't even tell you're so full of shit that it's all you have left i regret to say it's time to go jaundiced by suburban light pollution glow seems i always end up out here with you neglected by stars and knowing what to do you shield the shitty scratches from your swiss army knife ashamed that you considered ever leaving this life behind that's why you'll never be mine. but i will still hold you, i have to hold on to you.
6.
how can you feel so much of nothing when it's supposed to be nothing? it doesn't make sense how i feel so empty if you look inside my soul you'll see the antarctic surface but no penguins around, no research stations just white horizons, cold air, stiller than anything and it's cold, so numb, you can't feel a thing that sounds about right and all your days last all night it's like the slowest lifetime. so much time to kill there's no excitement catalysts to make this life seem fulfilled so i might as well sit down. and swallow up this absence of sound. i could blend into the snow here, lie down til my heart stops and i'll be buried so naturally and simply melt away from existence 'cause it's not like the world's gonna last so long if anything it will be cyborgs who come along and poke around through the ice shelfs looking for answers for the timeless question "how did they get so fucked up?" i'll be the ocean then, i'll sink to darkest depths, through ruined and forgotten, forsaken species here to reclaim their earth and i won't see the sun anymore.
7.
but still 04:48
you are not the one i was searching for and i was not your prey either, but we held on to hope, perhaps with lack of foresight, but then you are everything i could ask for and more every single day of your remarkable smile you're the caulk in the cracks of my life and the universe, please stay a while oh yeah, please stay even though you can't be what i want you to be that's not what i need, anyway now i am bereft of you, but still i must continue on assimilate into some lifeless milieu of automatons everyone around me is holed up in their own worlds but i'm in yours, accidentally you kicked me out long ago but still can i stay with you? i mean, if you want me to it's up to you, not me. you once asked me politely with a heavy heart not to go missing from your life but now that's all you could ask for. but still, i love every second that i'm with you even if you don't love me anymore and i guess that was expected, 'cause everything is just a matter of time.
8.
the cars in a lifeless parking lot have more company than i do and i wouldn't have this problem if i could just maybe stop thinking of you but there's not much you or i can do about that. and i don't mean to sound so hopeless, but i think the opposite's true-- i have too much hope, it's doomed, i'm doomed, we're doomed and must i withhold this lechery when i know you're just as bad as me in this aspect but i just don't want to lose your respect and the progress we have claimed to make well i hope this wasn't all just my mistake you know sometimes i secretly hope he was just a way to cope and sometimes it's too big a hit, and i can't deal with it no i can't deal with this, and i can't help but wish that this all went to shit like it always will, like i always do 'cause i can't follow through i don't know how i got just so fucking wrapped up in you and i know it's a lie, these things always subside but the pain still remains, we will not be the same can someone just know that i never meant it at all believe me, i never meant it all "you just try so hard to be fucked up for the sake of the story but your life is not a song or a songwriter's. so will you look at me?"
9.
i can’t stop thinking of how i long to be in your arms now that i know i can come home to you how i long for you to take the edge away from me it used to be i couldn’t see through my pinpoint eyes i could not breathe through my blackened lungs and i just couldn’t sift through my shit for brains and i couldn’t feel a thing, anything at all but you stayed with me saved the withered life in me so let me say this is the sound of giving up know that this is the sound of giving up

about

songs about substance and heartache.
written/performed/recorded by ap from 2011-2013
GTB038

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released October 1, 2013

i did the whole thing except for
alto sax on track 6 - chris "dragon" nguyen

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squab squawk Santa Cruz, California

i'm AP and i'm really sloppy
The Shitty Elliott Smith™

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