the blurst of times

by squab squawk

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songs about drugs and heartache.
written/performed/recorded by ap from 2011-2013


released October 1, 2013

i did the whole thing except for
alto sax on track 6 - chris "dragon" nguyen




squab squawk Santa Cruz, California

i'm AP and i'm really sloppy
The Shitty Elliott Smith™

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Track Name: get ready
this won't hurt one bit
but it just might kill you towards the end of it
is that a risk you are willing to take?
well, i'm always up for anything that ends in heartbreak

and if it rains just enough
to soak yr shoes to yr feet
with the red and green lights
smeared all along across the streets
we can watch discordant ripples
on some distant shallow seas
while living out some age-old fallacies

we're probably not lucky
so let's not count on anything to last
Track Name: you would say
it took you long enough, you’d say
if i told you how i’m feeling now
and yeah, we’ve both been waiting for this day
since the moment when we realized
it’s the best and worst we could ever feel

and in homage to a friend of my god
it may seem we are clouds
yeah we’re drifting away,
but still everybody knows
i’ll make it back somehow
(much to their dismay)

but i just do not know
what’s in store for better days
no i’m not supposed to think about that now.

i think i’ve committed to my body
the so-called sins you did to me
but that is not your fault
no nothing ever was
and it’s the realization that despite my lies
that you ever lied to me
you instilled in me so much of this.
like the notion that i ever was alone.
Track Name: GFB
i will make it through the day
just to head straight into another
there’s no rest for the thick-headed
i’ll leave the burden on my soldiers
to carry it out across the desert
all the way to the sea
whose waters once invited me
in the shimmering sun so deceptively
out for some drinks so unforgiving
i’ve tasted their poisons before
should’ve been enough, but i will take some more

every night i’ve got my watchmen
stationed and bracing for the bombs
you left behind to keep me away from you
as if explosions could stop me
from what i’m destined to do

so one by one fortifications fall
good thing i’ve learned to feel nothing at all
there’s nothing left for me out here
except the ghosts of every odd-numbered year
so let’s suppose i don’t survive
i’m a guaranteed fantastic burnout
i’ll last just long enough to see you arrive,
crestfallen ‘cause you knew this whole time
what i was on about
Track Name: the most spectacular
hold it in as long as you can
and try not to die
i know i'm making it harder for you
to forgive me
in the event of my demise

it will come soon, i say
no, don't say that
but whether i win or lose
i know i've done enough to
make a mark on you
and that's all i ever wanted to do

and so i withdraw from you and smile
and off i go, off to decide
the most spectacular way to suicide

no, don't say that
god damn it you have drained me
of all energy
i give up, i resign, you're fucking on your own
you know your body wasn't meant to run on
coffee and love alone

so good luck, and goodbye
Track Name: all you have left
you're "fucked in the head"?
you have no right to be.
can't you see that you're hurting me?
no, you can't, you're too busy
trying to bring yourself down
but i swear to god i'll kill you first
if you don't stop fucking around

i squint up through the particle sky
towards my better home
that's not where you are
but are you still alone
enough for me to be your everything?
i don't know what i'm doing
or where i'm going

who the fuck dreams of being impaled by the san francisco skyline?
this is why you cannot ever be mine
but i won't let you die, no i won't ever let you go by

(as tired as i am, of you.)

you say you're fucked in the head
but you've been lying to me
you said you'd be okay
but you can fake yourself so well
you can't even tell
you're so full of shit
that it's all you have left

i regret to say it's time to go
jaundiced by suburban light pollution glow
seems i always end up out here with you
neglected by stars and knowing what to do
you shield the shitty scratches from your swiss army knife
ashamed that you considered ever leaving this life behind
that's why you'll never be mine.
but i will still hold you,
i have to hold on to you.
Track Name: (all you have left) is nothing
how can you feel so much of nothing when it's supposed to be nothing?
it doesn't make sense how i feel so empty
if you look inside my soul you'll see the antarctic surface
but no penguins around, no research stations
just white horizons, cold air, stiller than anything
and it's cold, so numb, you can't feel a thing
that sounds about right
and all your days last all night
it's like the slowest lifetime. so much time to kill
there's no excitement catalysts to make this life seem fulfilled
so i might as well sit down.
and swallow up this absence of sound.
i could blend into the snow here,
lie down til my heart stops
and i'll be buried so naturally
and simply melt away from existence
'cause it's not like the world's gonna last so long
if anything it will be cyborgs who come along
and poke around through the ice shelfs
looking for answers for the timeless question
"how did they get so fucked up?"
i'll be the ocean then,
i'll sink to darkest depths,
through ruined and forgotten, forsaken species
here to reclaim their earth
and i won't see the sun anymore.
Track Name: but still
you are not the one i was searching for
and i was not your prey either, but
we held on to hope,
perhaps with lack of foresight, but then
you are everything i could ask for and more
every single day of your remarkable smile
you're the caulk in the cracks of my life
and the universe, please stay a while
oh yeah, please stay
even though you can't be what i want you to be
that's not what i need, anyway

now i am bereft of you, but still
i must continue on
assimilate into some lifeless milieu of automatons
everyone around me is holed up in their own worlds
but i'm in yours, accidentally
you kicked me out long ago
but still
can i stay with you?
i mean, if you want me to
it's up to you, not me.

you once asked me politely
with a heavy heart
not to go missing from your life
but now that's all you could ask for.

but still, i love every second that i'm with you
even if you don't love me anymore
and i guess that was expected,
'cause everything is just a matter of time.
Track Name: yr life is not a song
the cars in a lifeless parking lot
have more company than i do
and i wouldn't have this problem
if i could just maybe stop thinking of you
but there's not much you or i can do about that.
and i don't mean to sound so hopeless,
but i think the opposite's true--
i have too much hope,
it's doomed, i'm doomed, we're doomed

and must i withhold this lechery
when i know you're just as bad as me
in this aspect
but i just don't want to lose your respect
and the progress we have claimed to make
well i hope this wasn't all just my mistake

you know
sometimes i secretly hope he was just a way to cope
and sometimes it's too big a hit, and i can't deal with it
no i can't deal with this, and i can't help but wish that
this all went to shit
like it always will, like i always do
'cause i can't follow through
i don't know how i got just so fucking wrapped up in you
and i know it's a lie, these things always subside
but the pain still remains, we will not be the same
can someone just know that i never meant it at all
believe me, i never meant it all

"you just try so hard to be fucked up for the sake of the story
but your life is not a song
or a songwriter's.
so will you look at me?"
Track Name: the sound of giving up
i can’t stop thinking of how i long to be in your arms
now that i know i can come home to you
how i long for you to take the edge away from me
it used to be i couldn’t see through my pinpoint eyes
i could not breathe through my blackened lungs
and i just couldn’t sift through my shit for brains
and i couldn’t feel a thing, anything at all
but you stayed with me
saved the withered life in me

so let me say
this is the sound of giving up
know that this is the sound of giving up