the legend of

by squab squawk

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1.
2.
03:21
3.
02:08
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02:20
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01:57
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about

songs from 2009-2013. most of these have been floating around on the internet already in some version or another. but they're worth having in one place. despite all being from different points in my life they fit together quite nicely. this concludes the squab squawk trilogy. not a bad run

credits

released February 4, 2015

AP - everything
ALL ME, BABY

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license

Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

about

squab squawk Santa Cruz, California

i'm AP and i'm really sloppy
The Shitty Elliott Smith™

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Track Name: when i kept count
shared a cigarette and sadness
and i felt so seventeen
under the sparsely starlit night
on the back porch, unseen
and it was cold much like yr touch
and it was dark much like yr eyes
and the smoke escaped into the sky
another tiny factor in the atmosphere’s demise

three weeks back, i felt so free
another night of apathy, but
my company didn’t give a fuck—
a valuable lesson for me.
so i hit eighty-five with the windows down
and i couldn’t help but think of how
amazing it was that i didn’t need you now
but i still took the long way home
so i could pass by your house

six months back, we were a spectacle of
nervous laughs and bad decisions
closed mouths and cautious words
plus historical revisions
still, even now, i cannot tell
if that’s really what you meant
or if you’re just a mess
of perfect accidents

I remember bashing my forehead into the steering wheel repeatedly,
trying to make the car express the noises i could not
a honking substitute for swears and impossible pleas
I don’t miss this… but you still don’t hear me.
Track Name: open up
open your heart
open your mouth
open your legs
open your soul
open your mind
open your eyes
and let go

do you know what i want you to do
i’ll do anything you ask me to
do you know where the time has gone
it’s time to run
so go on

we fucked the truth
we fucked ourselves
over and over
and over again
this is our time
to make it right
i’ll win you back
come back to life
and let go.
Track Name: withdrawal
baby, please
i'm not so well
i should not try anymore
i want you to only come for me
but my heart and i know
that ain't right

as soon as i talk to you
i cannot wait to say goodbye
so i can collapse into a million pieces
the second you walk away
i cannot handle how i feel
and it's never felt so visceral before
Track Name: if ever
if ever i go crazy,
i mean crazier than before
i leave it up to you
to bring me ashore
or take me down
and ensure i get what i deserve
and if ever you wanna leave me,
well i’m not gonna argue with that
not to say i wouldn’t fight to the death
just to keep you around
but should you go, you can go
because i love you so

if ever you might need me
more than i’ve ever needed you
that’s some fucking uncharted territory
i’m not sure what to do
is this even you?
but if ever that day comes
just say the word and say no more
and i will come running down the 101
please don’t change your mind
and i’ll keep running
Track Name: exhaustion
i think i know by now what you’re going to say
“i’m sorry you have to hear this, but it’s the only way”
or “i’m sorry i’m hard to deal with but there’s nothing we can do”
but i thought i’d take my chances.
don’t you know that i wanted to?
there’s just so much to undo, so much more to lose
i still can’t quite believe you tried to make me choose
as if i had options. but that’s not how i roll
yet i thought it would be easier. now it’s taken its toll
on me

i’m not gonna say that you fucked me over
but you led me to believe that i could be your savior
i know you’ll say you didn’t say you didn’t try to warn me
as you stare and sigh at your ashy shoelaces forlornly
i wish you would believe me when i say that you’re worth it
but it’s getting hard to tell when our words have gone to bullshit
this wasn’t supposed to be this hard. is it harder for you?
don’t mean to be so resigned, but what the fuck am i supposed to do?

tell me, what do you expect me to do?
Track Name: atmospheric pressure
i could tell from your cold, conflicted hand that you’ll never let me in, you won’t let me win.
and i understand, you’re tired of my tirades. still, i won’t let you fade… ‘cause i know nothing else.

you could tell from the mackerel skies and the desperation eyes, how much trouble you’re in.
so what the hell, all the things you yell about won’t help yourself get out.

you could tell because i think too fucking loud, leaving nothing to dispel, nothing is withheld.

i could tell that the contrails near the sun didn’t speak to anyone except for you and me.
the shapes still lingering in your heart and mine are mismatched and misaligned. nothing meaningful to find.

though you could tell that in your waking dreams, nothing is quite as it seems, what’s the difference when you’re up

no one could tell from the crepuscular rays. five hundred fifty days never passed so faithfully.
diverge into the sea. just a few more sleeps until you’re free from me, until you’re free of me for good.

and the stars can’t tell what the fuck is going on,
no one can tell but time. but i can’t wait that long.
Track Name: a question for god
friends, they got your back now
no they’ll never back down
they found you smoking in the shadows
recounting your mistakes
and when you tried to run
they cried, “just give yourself a break”
and with the wettest eyes, you said
“oh, i’ve tried so hard.
lord knows i fucking tried so hard”

what am i supposed to say to the lord above?
that he’s fucked up his whole promise of love?
that is not what he meant. no,
that is not it at all.
and either way, i’m alone,
‘cause there’s no way that my own
soul can be saved from the wretches
of bad decisions.